On a life, while living

As 2007 winds it's weary way into the pages of history, I have started to think on things I have experienced, learned, or realized this year.

This blog reflects little of my life. It's merely a window into things I want to share. Mostly the little crafty things I do, or interesting things I have gone and done, seen, taken pictures of. Soliloquies on things I am passionate about, like living green or whatnot. This is here to share a bit of me with you. You being mostly family and friends, and I am sure the occasional wanderer in from the Internet since it IS public. (Hello random public)

This last year has been a long and arduous one. No one ever said turning 30 was easy, but that was one of the highlights of my year, my birthday. It was other things that proved a trial by fire. And to usher in a new, shiny year, a fresh piece of paper to mark up and doodle on and make history, I want to leave this one on a positive note.

I am doing something for me, and sharing it with you, that I don't think I have ever done. I am making a list. A list of things I am grateful for or that I have learned or realized. And sharing it it me being open in a way to make me accountable to what I say for myself. To remind myself I said that. I know this to be true. Because in my heart of hearts I know I will doubt, second guess and forget many of these things, even deny them. So let the record stand.

I have learned that cliches are so for a reason and some of these things will sound cliche. But they are new truths to me.

~I cannot change anyone. I cannot fix anyone.

~I am grateful for the people in my life that have taught me this.

~If I want something, I have to take a chance at not getting it to get it, even if it means getting hurt in the process.

~I can have long lasting meaningful relationships with people who care about me. I am grateful for my friends whom I have known now for over 8 years, for the most part. I didn't think I could. I'm so solitary.

~ And I am grateful for those friends and their sharing of their marvelous lives with me, it's a privilege.

~I crave community after a youth of individuality.

~Compassion is the way to love.

~I need to trust my instincts, they are always right.

~I might regret some things I have done, but I am grateful for everything I have done in my life. It makes me who I am now.

~And I love who I am.

~I have realised that this body, my body is the only vessel I will ever have and it is amazing. It may never look the way I think it should look, but it's never let me down.

~ I am grateful I am whole and hale.

~I am beautiful and complicated and quirky and strange. I am unique and special and I know it, even when I don't believe it. I need to believe in myself more.

~ I can be both strong and feminine. And I am feminine and that's ok.

~I love my family more than anything on this earth. There is no one I would rather spend time with.

~I am grateful hat I have the family I do, I am so, so lucky.

~I know what I want from my life. I know where I want it to go. I may never reach my goals, but at least I will try to obtain them.

~No one can take away my power, my self, my energy, my passion, my qi, without my having allowed them to take it, ever again.

~I should never have to apologize for being myself. So I need to stop saying sorry.

Know when to stop.
Know when to start.
Know when to let go.
Know when to say yes.
Know when to say NO.

~Take more risks, my greatest adventures have been the scariest things I have ever done.

~let others in. I am not alone in this.

love more, freely.
Trust.
dream.

and know when to shut up. I don't, but I need to learn. and listen more.

None of this makes me wise or makes me have everything figured out, by any means. I am still, for a surety, unsure of myself, my actions...I am still worried about what others think of me, whether or not people like me, whether or not that matters, should it matter? Shouldn't it? Things to work on for next year, insecurity, doubt, fear...remembering I thought these things at all at this time. the gristle of being human. We are all blind in the dark you know? What do I know.




2008 is going to be a golden year, I can feel it. Blessings and salutations. I hope yours will be too.

Love and peace,

~Kristi

Kitty

I posted about Kitty awhile ago here. My roommate and I have affectionately turned her name into Porch Kitty, because she would sleep in the cabinet in the little closet off our front porch.

Kitty was finally accepted and taken to the Humane Society today by Dawn, while I was at work. They said she was old, and that she was probably sick.

Dawn told me yesterday that the Humane Society had called to let us know they had room for her and asked if I wanted to say goodbye or if I wanted her to let me know when she was taking her in and I said no.

When I left for work today she was meowing, and I fed her the last little bit of food in the bin and thought about petting her but I didn't.

It was the last time I saw her.

I came home and there was a little box by the closet and I knew Dawn had taken her in. The porch was silent. Her cubby empty. Her incessant mewling gone and she was no where under my feet preventing me from opening the door.

I tried so, so hard to not get attached to her. I avoided contact when I could.
But I am so sad, as I type this I'm starting to cry.

She was so small and silly, and clumsy and so, so, sweet. Always so sweet. She wanted nothing but love and warmth and affection and I couldn't give her those things. I couldn't let her inside, since I have two cats already, and that's really one cat too many when you rent. I wanted to.

I know that this was right, that even if she isn't adopted that she will have a warm, dry place to live out her life, that she will always have food and water. And that there will be many people around to love her and give her attention.

And I hope that someone sees her poor little frame and her crooked little tale and falls in love, that she will have a forever home I couldn't give her.
But it is going to take awhile for me to get used to her absence.

I didn't expect to feel this way, I tried so hard to guard against it, but so it is.I wish I had pet her one last time.
Good bye Porch Kitty.

Objects of (in)Signifigance

I was walking through the park blocks recently and thinking about something or other, and my train of thought led me to thinking about stuff. The stuff that accumulates in our lives, over time, seems inevitable, like wrinkles or grey hairs or regrets.

It's something i have been pondering for some time in my efforts to become less, to own less, buy less, simplify. I have given away car loads of time to Goodwill the last several years, stratigraphic layers of my life I have been able to excavate and discard.

But it's still there, in the basement, in the closet, on the shelf... things of no significance in of themselves. Alone, they have no value.
The basement, the basement is filled with the remnants of a shared life, the broken pieces that cracked off and were left behind to be swept up and forgotten, for me to deal with, dispose of, despise.

It's also home to the shed moltings of my life that have no place anywhere else, but that I can't let GO. Obligations, memories, detritus..fingernail clippings and fallen hairs...

I thought about how, there is a mantle of things in my room that represent me. totems, physical manifestations of a place, time and situation. It's like I need these things to remember, lest my memory lets them slip away unbeknowst to me and I realise I've lost something, but I'm not sure what.
Would it be better to let these little objects d' vinget go and let my mind become uncluttered?

It's my house full of things I can't let go of because my mind is cluttered up with things I should let go?

I know that this mausoleum of things keeps me a bit immobile,I have moved with a lot of it before, but the longer you stay in a places, the more this stuff grows, home as a petri dish. It's the lint of living, you keep collecting it under the couch, on your coat, and you try to get rid of it, but it just sticks.

I've seen the garages of families, packed with this sort of lint, piles so high and wide, there is no room to live in it, no room to park a car, make a cabinet, play instruments...and I wonder if it's entropy, inertia...are we doomed to collect stuff?

I don't want it.

Small Exciting Things

It's been an exciting week (well, week and a half or so I guess, not week as in Sun-Sat), long tiring but many little happy things are coming to fruition or are seeds of potentiality.

This is the first year I have bought absolutely NOTHING as a gift for anyone. I have made (or am feverishly finishing) all my gifts this year. I did not step in a mall, I did not order a thing on line, and I did not fret over what to get anyone. And The making things? Not nearly as stressful as the buying of things, because of the inherent satisfaction of the creation of a useful object for someone else to enjoy.


After a harrowing journey to the DEQ (Oregon's smog check), while avoiding hills and not getting lost, I finally got to the DMV today to register my car. (Was slated for last week but well, last week was it's own thing.) I got special interest plates! I won;t get them till January because they are so spanking new. There is a new plate for Oregon called "Share the Road" and I'm getting it and that is exciting for me. =)

Most exciting is the event I organized at work and how it has magically come together into an amazing display of skin boat kayaks. It's better than I imagined and I'm so excited to see it in action with visitors. This is a big deal, it's a really cool event and I think, for me, a really big step in terms of what I do at work and branching out. I can;t wait for work tomorrow.

And then there are the little things like having several excellent times with friends old and new, which just reminds me how important the people in my life are to me and that I don't see some nearly as often as I should. Today I had dinner and knit at one such friend's house while her fiance made cookies and the other housemates knit and discussed things by the fire. Their home is the closest thing to what I feel as family I have here. And its all these little things, these little moments over dinner or drinks or beer, that keep me grounded and human sometimes.

I need more potlucks and outings this winter, it is soul warming, this human connection. I realise this as I sit at home alone, roommate gone for the holidays already and I'm soon to travel home myself, the warmth of hearth and home is unparalleled as my fingers blue here in my empty apartment. Sunday can't fly here soon enough!

Happy Holidays

Tabula Rasa

While recuperating this last Fri/Sat, I decided it would be a great idea to refinish my coffee table. The design I had on it before was getting old, and the table ( and it's cousin the end table) were looking rather beat up and worn.


I didn't want to sand the whole thing down, too much work, no garage or anything to work in, so I decided to repaint it instead. Yay paint. It was fun and I am very happy with the results. I also picked out some lovely new art papers to work with for the tops.

Condolences

In the last two weeks or so, three different people in my life, close and dear friends have lost family members,
A father, an uncle and a grandmother.

My heart goes out to them all, and I just wanted to mark their passing and hope others might keep them in their thoughts too.
We are all so lucky, to have each other.

Always remember how precious and short time is. How we take for granted health and wellness till we are no longer healthy or well. Remember you never know how much longer you have so make it good now, and don't wait.

I love you so much, family.

This is a real kicker...

So a couple years ago, Oregonians paid too much in income tax, to the tune of 1.1 billion too much. This caused the kicker refund, in which we would each get back the over paid portion.

I didn't earn much that year, so I didn't think much of what I would get back, I thought, oh 30-60 dollars maybe.

So when I get a letter from Oregon today indicating my notice of the donation of my kicker refund for education, and that it was 238$ I did two things.
First, I was like oh, that was nice of me to do that on my 2006 tax return, it wasn't going to be much money anyways....to 2) What 238$? Man I could really use than right now! AUGH!

So, Yeah, I really could use that 238$. I didn't forecast where I would be this winter, or how my finances would change as a single person. Or how much I would really get back.

I do know, working IN a Portland School, that they desperately need money. It's a little sickening and saddening. So I hope a whole lot of other people did the same thing.

Do I regret my little altruistic box check back at tax time now that I know how much I got back? A little.
But I think I did the right thing.

Oh.. When Darkness Comes...

Where did the last 3....4? Days go? I am not entirely sure. I slept through most of them and half watched Miyazaki films and chick flicks the rest of the time.

I got a bad case of strep and was apparently lucky the Dr. didn't think I should be admitted for an IV right then, She did give me a sprite, I think it was a test to see if I really could swallow anything.

Normally the germs and I have a peaceful cohabitation, but this time, it was war. I hate antibiotics, in general, not hate, dislike how they are over dispensed, and that folks are uneducated about good/bad bacterias and how antibacterials can;t fix viruses...yadda yadda, I also am rather attached to my own bacterial flora and hate to mess with that. But when MY throat is on like, fire from the pit of the sun and I'm in some delirious night sweat because of some microscopic streptococcal bender in my throat, then I will partake me some bread mold pills.

But I am now definitely on the mend, fever is gone (thank goodness, I am really tired of being really hot or shivering, or both. I spent all day watching lent DVDs from my dear J9 and catching up on light housework and still trying to eat solid food or liquids in any portion over a half a cup. (My poor tonsils still look pretty frighting.)

I have to say I am so grateful right now for my friends, my roommate took me to urgent care, I could have never driven myself, and she went grocery shopping for me. And if she hadn't been able too, J9 would have been there in a heartbeat, like she was with replenishing DVDs! I am so grateful for them both. And I really hope Dawn does not get sick.

Tonight I celebrated getting better with a delicious meal from the Thai place nearby and even though it hurt to eat it still, it was the first real food, satisfying food, that I have had in nearly a week. So, Yay for Tom Ka and Pra Ram. Yay for Antibioticals and Alexander Fleming and My Urgent Care Doc who was ever so nice. Yay for good roommates and good Friends.

Driving

So, my car sort of died, the Ford. And I now have a new car, courtesy of my dad. It's a lovely SMALL car, and it's cute. It's also a manual. I was driving it home last night from work and it struck me, that, this car, this stick shift, is analogous to my life.
This is the story;
I don't know how to drive a stick. When my dad called and said "I found a car for you...you can drive a stick right?" I replied "Uh, no, but I am sure I will learn." Diplomatic answer. What I really wanted to say was more like "Oh god...I'm terrified of learning how to drive a stick."
My roommate took me out in her car to practice some.
My mom and I drove up and I drove part of the way.
Now the car is here and I have no one to drive for me. And no other car to drive.
The car will not drive itself.
I have to drive it and I won't get better at it until I drive it more.
And sure enough, I am getting better at it.
And I have a sure feeling once I learn how to drive a stick as well as I did an automatic, I won't want to go back.

But it still terrifies me. Something I was able to do, without much thought, is suddenly strange and uncomfortable. But I have to keep driving it in spite of my fears and my discomfort to get it.


And my life is a little like that right now. Uncomfortable. Scary...But I am not going to get anyplace if I sit around and wait for it to take me someplace. I have to get in the car and drive. It's time to move on down the road.